my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
