Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize