You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize