My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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