my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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