If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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