I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
