my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize