I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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