Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I look better un-naked...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
