Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
