I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
