what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
