yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
