She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
