Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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