I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
