I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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