Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You're like the curious george of whores
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I can't turn off my feet"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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