I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize