How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
