She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
