Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
try to milk me bitch
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