guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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