How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
