How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
