I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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