Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
