You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
