Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
