wakey wakey hands off snakey
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Houston, we have a blender
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
