Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I looked at my own cervix.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
