it hurts more in the daytime
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
