I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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