i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
