I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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