judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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