I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
