You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
