Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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