Soap is not a condiment
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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