The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
