he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
