I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
