I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
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