Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
