Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
