found the other keg... it's in the tree
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
