I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
