He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
