Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
