my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
