I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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