i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
