woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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