I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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