I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm just crazy horny about you
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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