You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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