i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
