It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
