Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
