i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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